I'm holding my cup in an attempt to capture some warmth.
My thoughts jumped from one conversation to the next, trying to collect as much memory as possible to make sense of the feelings I'm feeling now.
I'm trying to ask the right questions, that's the process right? Know the right questions to put you in a better, more well thought of path.
Well here it is:
Where do I want to be a year from now?
Middle East.
What will you be doing?
Documenting, photographing, surviving, and making sure my documents are surviving. Making my life matter.
What will it take to get there?
Learn the language, Arabic.
Physically and mentally prepare.
Be funded.
What will it take to have those?
Work on my portfolio and submit to a media.
Portfolio
Credible photos (Events, studio, portraits, motion)
Website
Photoblog
Work for the media
Start learning Arabic now.
Read, write, practice, converse, surround myself with the language.
Read every inspirational, current and past, photographer and person that's been there and survived.
Why?
Because what are we all here for? For each other.
And someone needs to take responsibility of showing someone else of a world they don't know, to open other's eyes and hearts, and if not leading the way, but get you thinking of a different possibility.
Because the wars need to stop, and anger needs to change into understanding.
Because there are no borders, no matter how thick we build physical barriers, there are no borders in life and people.
Because drugs are not always the solution to anyone's problem and should never be taken advantage of by the people that knows its control.
Because there are endless better possibilities than what we're currently living now.
Because we still have each other and we can't just abort the human soul.
My photograph will be part of history. Because I understand that its happening right now and my eyes are no longer covered by rose colored glasses. My mind isn't clouded by what they want which is to just keep us moving on a day to day mundane life so we can 'make a living.' Living happens, we don't have to make it happen. My heart has been ripped and wasted on selfish things, and its time to stand by it and do good for a change.
[this excerpt has been retrieved from my personal day to day blog www.plnmsjane.blogspot.com]
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Day 3 Reflect
While I was waiting for my negative to dry I saw my first photo teacher from my 35 mm film class and caught up with him since the last day we saw each other which was last year and a half ago. I was surprised he remembered me. It was awesome quality time with him. I remembered being so lost two years ago of what I wanted to do with photography and he remembered as well.
After we've caught up, we started discussing about the transition of journalism and the media. I'm so determined to have my generation solve the clutter that our internet, specifically filtering through credible information, is drowning right now. Twitter, Facebook, Blogs, etc are all resources that are utilize in irrelevant manner and there has to be a better system to get all the information vomit organize and not only make credible but also monetary. Because no matter how much I would love to do art for the people, I need to sustain my way of life for at least $50/week and that's not including rent or the other responsibilities I apparently need to live in a civilized manner. We're in another technological revolution where time, distance, and space is all condensed in a matter of a double click, how are we going to utilize this to relay information that will help one another and create a sense of trust among strangers?
I can't stop talking about photography wherever I go, or art, talking to Barrett brought everything back to perspective again. Also, hung out with some of the men in my class, skateboarding, and sharing ideas about our final project.
Stay motivated, always be creative, always ask yourself why and what for, then create something, anything to translate the answer.
After we've caught up, we started discussing about the transition of journalism and the media. I'm so determined to have my generation solve the clutter that our internet, specifically filtering through credible information, is drowning right now. Twitter, Facebook, Blogs, etc are all resources that are utilize in irrelevant manner and there has to be a better system to get all the information vomit organize and not only make credible but also monetary. Because no matter how much I would love to do art for the people, I need to sustain my way of life for at least $50/week and that's not including rent or the other responsibilities I apparently need to live in a civilized manner. We're in another technological revolution where time, distance, and space is all condensed in a matter of a double click, how are we going to utilize this to relay information that will help one another and create a sense of trust among strangers?
I can't stop talking about photography wherever I go, or art, talking to Barrett brought everything back to perspective again. Also, hung out with some of the men in my class, skateboarding, and sharing ideas about our final project.
Stay motivated, always be creative, always ask yourself why and what for, then create something, anything to translate the answer.
Day 3 Processing
Processing 4x5
Film: Fuji Neopan Acros 100
Developer: Xtol
Developing time: 5 min
First, doing anything in the dark is such a rush but I am so happy I've finished the first time.
Again, be prepared by setting up all your equipment in designated areas so finding them in the dark isn't difficult.
1. Replenish developer.
2. Check temperature. Water jacket should be at 68 C
3. Check that timer is on your preference. Sound on/off, Set up for the appropriate time for developing. Also, take notes of where all the buttons are on the timer so if anything happens you know where to turn the timer off. The sound surprised me as I was developing and I panicked between the stop bath and fixer.
4. Make sure all surface are dry
5. Memorize where you set up everything.
Holders facing to exp.1 -5 on my right
Hangers on my left inside the box all pushed farther away from me so I can easily download from
front to back
Empty negative box for unexposed download
6. Turn off the lights. Close your eyes, count to 5, open and check to make sure no light is leaking anywhere in the room
7. Begin downloading each negative beginning with inserting the first negative on the hanger and placing the second one as an unexposed film inside the empty box
8. Try your best to not place fingerprints on your negative by doing this in the dark. I felt around the corners with the corner of my finger tip and had it slide down from the holder
Be careful not to clip your fingers when you lock the metal hanger
9. After all negatives have been placed in the hanger or unexposed box, bring the hanger box towards your developing chemicals
10. DONT FORGET TO Close the unexposed box.
Developing process (this is still done in the dark, so make sure you know where each chemical is at. Stop bath [which is just water in my lab] is cooler than the developer and fixer)
11. Developing tank for 5 min for my Acros 100 negative
12. Agitate for the first 30 sec (tilting left to right = one cycle), then one cycle every 30 sec after
13. Stop bath, dip, agitate for three cycles, leave in for 1.5 min and agitate before placing in fixer
14. Fixer agitate first 30 sec, then one cycle every 30 sec after for 6 min
15. BEFORE YOU TURN ON THE LIGHT, go through your checklist:
Did you close the "unexposed box"?
Did you agitate with patience? You'll know what I'm talking about.
16. Turn on the light. Breathe. You can see your negative finally! You did everything correctly =)
17. If your negative is still slightly pink, I would leave it in the fixer for another 30 sec - 1 min to assure all the sulfites been processed.
18. Water tank for 20 min
19. I used this 20 min to clean the mess I made in the dark room
20. Photoflo for 3 cycles of agitation
21. Dry for 20 min if you have appropriate drying machine
22. Place in negative holders!
The hardest time for me was feeling around with the chemicals while I was carrying the loaded hangers with both hands, but patience is key and just stay focus!
I didn't listen to any music during this time because it was my first time so I wanted to make sure I heard everything I was doing to familiarize myself. I DID IT! I developed my first 4x5 without killing myself or my negative.
Film: Fuji Neopan Acros 100
Developer: Xtol
Developing time: 5 min
Again, be prepared by setting up all your equipment in designated areas so finding them in the dark isn't difficult.
1. Replenish developer.
2. Check temperature. Water jacket should be at 68 C
3. Check that timer is on your preference. Sound on/off, Set up for the appropriate time for developing. Also, take notes of where all the buttons are on the timer so if anything happens you know where to turn the timer off. The sound surprised me as I was developing and I panicked between the stop bath and fixer.
4. Make sure all surface are dry
5. Memorize where you set up everything.
Holders facing to exp.1 -5 on my right
Hangers on my left inside the box all pushed farther away from me so I can easily download from
front to back
Empty negative box for unexposed download
6. Turn off the lights. Close your eyes, count to 5, open and check to make sure no light is leaking anywhere in the room
7. Begin downloading each negative beginning with inserting the first negative on the hanger and placing the second one as an unexposed film inside the empty box
8. Try your best to not place fingerprints on your negative by doing this in the dark. I felt around the corners with the corner of my finger tip and had it slide down from the holder
Be careful not to clip your fingers when you lock the metal hanger
9. After all negatives have been placed in the hanger or unexposed box, bring the hanger box towards your developing chemicals
10. DONT FORGET TO Close the unexposed box.
Developing process (this is still done in the dark, so make sure you know where each chemical is at. Stop bath [which is just water in my lab] is cooler than the developer and fixer)
11. Developing tank for 5 min for my Acros 100 negative
12. Agitate for the first 30 sec (tilting left to right = one cycle), then one cycle every 30 sec after
13. Stop bath, dip, agitate for three cycles, leave in for 1.5 min and agitate before placing in fixer
14. Fixer agitate first 30 sec, then one cycle every 30 sec after for 6 min
15. BEFORE YOU TURN ON THE LIGHT, go through your checklist:
Did you close the "unexposed box"?
Did you agitate with patience? You'll know what I'm talking about.
16. Turn on the light. Breathe. You can see your negative finally! You did everything correctly =)
17. If your negative is still slightly pink, I would leave it in the fixer for another 30 sec - 1 min to assure all the sulfites been processed.
18. Water tank for 20 min
19. I used this 20 min to clean the mess I made in the dark room
20. Photoflo for 3 cycles of agitation
21. Dry for 20 min if you have appropriate drying machine
22. Place in negative holders!
The hardest time for me was feeling around with the chemicals while I was carrying the loaded hangers with both hands, but patience is key and just stay focus!
I didn't listen to any music during this time because it was my first time so I wanted to make sure I heard everything I was doing to familiarize myself. I DID IT! I developed my first 4x5 without killing myself or my negative.
Monday, September 19, 2011
The days in between
I'm 25 yrs old. I work two jobs that I handle 25 hours at each location. I go to school full time. I've lived in southern california for 4 years and has been on my own since. I love music, hip hop. Currently have Common on repeat, my favourite is "The Light."
Days like this, where I have to deal with responsibilities and personal issues are probably the hardest for me because all I want to do is art, all the time. Exclude my problems and flaws and just invest in art thoroughly. Don't get me wrong, I love my life, in every essence because life is good. But the demands out of me to be somebody for other people and all this acceptance I have to learn just became too much. Relationships, lack of it, passed it, in it, or watching it has been the topic the last year within my age group, and I don't want it anymore. I just want my photography to bloom and myself to breathe finally. This is why the days in between are the hardest for me because I'm just suffocated. The dreading of these days are my drive and I'm on manual fast speed. If music wasn't around, I wouldn't know how to get through this.
"It don't take a whole day to recognize sunshine"
Days like this, where I have to deal with responsibilities and personal issues are probably the hardest for me because all I want to do is art, all the time. Exclude my problems and flaws and just invest in art thoroughly. Don't get me wrong, I love my life, in every essence because life is good. But the demands out of me to be somebody for other people and all this acceptance I have to learn just became too much. Relationships, lack of it, passed it, in it, or watching it has been the topic the last year within my age group, and I don't want it anymore. I just want my photography to bloom and myself to breathe finally. This is why the days in between are the hardest for me because I'm just suffocated. The dreading of these days are my drive and I'm on manual fast speed. If music wasn't around, I wouldn't know how to get through this.
"It don't take a whole day to recognize sunshine"
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Day 2.5 SGLA
Johnny, an amazing and charismatic coworker of mine invited me to this event Saturday at Villains Tavern on 3rd St in downtown L.A. A fun and interesting event, always nice to see a group of people coming together for a common interest. Plus, I realize I'm only 3/5 Geek, a little disappointed at myself.
I only brought one type of lens with me tonight because I was already carrying a heavy set of equipment from the previous photoshoot.
I had my 55 mm lens, which was perfect for the low light setting, but it's all manual focus. In events like this when I'm trying to take snapshots of a group of people posing in a dark setting where all I can see are shadows, it would've been so much easier and faster to have autofocus in hand. Plus, it would've made it a little bit less awkward for the people posing because it took me a bit of time to get them focus. But it also gave me a chance to really think fast on my feet.
I only did small editing with the colors, I placed a blue filter so the photos have a very 1890's feel to it to compliment Johnny's attire and the city's atmosphere.
Enjoy the photos!
Day 2 Details
This was the first time I took out the 4x5 to do a serious project.
First advice, make sure you are well prepared and equipped!
Check Check Check that all your equipment is there. Can't turn around to grab whatever you've missed, not enough light. Too much traffic esp. in LA
Second: Make time.
View cameras are heavy and takes time to focus, so many angles to consider. Plus, you need to scope out the area and find parking. I drove around the block five times and planted my equipment three times before I found the spot and angle I needed for the shot that was required.
Third: Use the bathroom before all this!
Oh geez, I hit my embarrassing moment of the day when I had to be honest and tell everyone that we need to hold everything because I couldn't hold it anymore. It was horrible but offered a great story to tell later on. Nonetheless, we had to redo everything for a 15 min break.
Also, took photos for SGLA event held at the Villain's Tavern in East LA. Will elaborate on next post. Event shots are so fun.
Today was amazing. I love LA and photojournalism.
Good food, good drinks, and great company. There are always events going on in the city. So stimulated, it makes you feel alive.
First advice, make sure you are well prepared and equipped!
Check Check Check that all your equipment is there. Can't turn around to grab whatever you've missed, not enough light. Too much traffic esp. in LA
Second: Make time.
View cameras are heavy and takes time to focus, so many angles to consider. Plus, you need to scope out the area and find parking. I drove around the block five times and planted my equipment three times before I found the spot and angle I needed for the shot that was required.
Third: Use the bathroom before all this!
Oh geez, I hit my embarrassing moment of the day when I had to be honest and tell everyone that we need to hold everything because I couldn't hold it anymore. It was horrible but offered a great story to tell later on. Nonetheless, we had to redo everything for a 15 min break.
Also, took photos for SGLA event held at the Villain's Tavern in East LA. Will elaborate on next post. Event shots are so fun.
Today was amazing. I love LA and photojournalism.
Good food, good drinks, and great company. There are always events going on in the city. So stimulated, it makes you feel alive.
Day 2
Originally photograph with my 4x5 Calumet 210 mm lens
this shot is from my Nikon D60 55 mm F5.6 1/30
at 6:45 pm Clear skies
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Day 1
I'm in the dark and all I can trust is the sense of my touch.
This is the beginning. Nothing seems as clear and as vivid until now. Even in the dark I can see what is ahead of me. And it's all good baby. The sense of freedom has never felt so raw as it has the past few months. All my choices are my own and the learning process is in my own responsibility. My own mistakes and myself to blame but all the privileges and rewards are mine. Understand? I am not responsible for anyone else and everyday is what I make of it. Nothing can hold me down, not your lack of motivation, personal issues, financial instability, addiction problems, and lack of creativity. How liberating! I only have myself to blame. I've been through enough mediocracy and heartache that it's about time to truly absorb and take a hold of what is beautiful in this life every second of the day. Be conscious and coherent of at least three or more of your senses. Because they are your very few access of creativity and perception of this world, and they make this world real and so fucking beautiful.
I warn you, to be so coherent becomes overwhelming at times, but your world will be so fulfilling that feeling the realness of it all is like jumping in morning cold ocean water. So refreshing, crisp, and such a rush.
Right now, I'm in the dark room. I can smell the addicting chemicals in the developer as I touch the corners of my 4 x 5 negative, looking for what we were trained to do in the dark. I'm nervous, so nervous that I traced the border of the negative at least 23 times to reassure myself that this is the direction its suppose to fit in the holder. I hear the sliding of my fingers on the thin film and the water trickling behind me ready to rinse the chemicals off this strip whenever I'm ready. My heart races. The first time is always the most genuine and exciting moment. I hear the lock click that reassures me my film is loaded and I'm ready to shoot my very first 4x5 in a very expensive, view camera.
When I'm ready.
I feel around to make sure my box of unused film is close, sealed tight, the holders all properly placed on the left corner and feeling the brail faced up, one more time. I turn the switch back on.
My eyes readjust. My heart still pacing.
Then I focus on the five holders I loaded in the past ten minutes. I finally felt myself exhale as I realize that I did everything correctly except for one holder which I forgot to switch labels which harms absolutely nothing but to remind myself that 1 out of 5 has to be renamed.
This is where history begins. I mean everything that has happened in the past thirteen years of my life has led up to this, then I can finally take charge of my own choices, and make art that will resonate. Good art, high art, none of this amateur crap anymore, I've exhausted that excuse enough.
You may not realize it but I hear everything you say, see everything you do, smell each suffocating scent, and is so coherent to the atmosphere and energy that everyone reflects, that I can see clearly through it all. Damn, its unbelievably amazing.
Steps to take to load film in a 4x5 holder:
1. Make sure surface is clean and dry
2. Make sure the room is lock (to prevent from others to accidentally walk in and pay you for destroyed film)
3. Place film box on left corner, within an arms reach
4. Place holders, facing white side up, on the right corner
5. Scissors by your dominant hand.
6. Memorize where everything is, take a few breaths.
7. Turn off the light.
8. Open the film box.
9. Cut open the bag the film is placed in
10. Take the top holder, feel for the brail (assures its the right side up)
11. Slide the dark slit halfway up from the holder
12. Have the slit facing away from you, place perpendicular to your gorgeous abs to keep in place
13. Take the film with your free hand
14. Feel for the teeth marks, make sure its on the RIGHT Side Corner
15. Slide film in the holder
16. Film is in if you can
hear the smooth siding of film on metal
you can feel the rail marks of the holder
17. Slide the dark slit back into place
18. Lock the bottom corner. You should hear a click and feel a resistance if you tug
19. Place holder in the middle of the film box and stack or unloaded holders, away from you
20. Repeat process
21. After all necessary film is loaded. Lock all holders with the hooks
22. Assure the film box is closed tight.
23. Turn light back on
This is the beginning. Nothing seems as clear and as vivid until now. Even in the dark I can see what is ahead of me. And it's all good baby. The sense of freedom has never felt so raw as it has the past few months. All my choices are my own and the learning process is in my own responsibility. My own mistakes and myself to blame but all the privileges and rewards are mine. Understand? I am not responsible for anyone else and everyday is what I make of it. Nothing can hold me down, not your lack of motivation, personal issues, financial instability, addiction problems, and lack of creativity. How liberating! I only have myself to blame. I've been through enough mediocracy and heartache that it's about time to truly absorb and take a hold of what is beautiful in this life every second of the day. Be conscious and coherent of at least three or more of your senses. Because they are your very few access of creativity and perception of this world, and they make this world real and so fucking beautiful.
I warn you, to be so coherent becomes overwhelming at times, but your world will be so fulfilling that feeling the realness of it all is like jumping in morning cold ocean water. So refreshing, crisp, and such a rush.
Right now, I'm in the dark room. I can smell the addicting chemicals in the developer as I touch the corners of my 4 x 5 negative, looking for what we were trained to do in the dark. I'm nervous, so nervous that I traced the border of the negative at least 23 times to reassure myself that this is the direction its suppose to fit in the holder. I hear the sliding of my fingers on the thin film and the water trickling behind me ready to rinse the chemicals off this strip whenever I'm ready. My heart races. The first time is always the most genuine and exciting moment. I hear the lock click that reassures me my film is loaded and I'm ready to shoot my very first 4x5 in a very expensive, view camera.
When I'm ready.
I feel around to make sure my box of unused film is close, sealed tight, the holders all properly placed on the left corner and feeling the brail faced up, one more time. I turn the switch back on.
My eyes readjust. My heart still pacing.
Then I focus on the five holders I loaded in the past ten minutes. I finally felt myself exhale as I realize that I did everything correctly except for one holder which I forgot to switch labels which harms absolutely nothing but to remind myself that 1 out of 5 has to be renamed.
This is where history begins. I mean everything that has happened in the past thirteen years of my life has led up to this, then I can finally take charge of my own choices, and make art that will resonate. Good art, high art, none of this amateur crap anymore, I've exhausted that excuse enough.
You may not realize it but I hear everything you say, see everything you do, smell each suffocating scent, and is so coherent to the atmosphere and energy that everyone reflects, that I can see clearly through it all. Damn, its unbelievably amazing.
Steps to take to load film in a 4x5 holder:
1. Make sure surface is clean and dry
2. Make sure the room is lock (to prevent from others to accidentally walk in and pay you for destroyed film)
3. Place film box on left corner, within an arms reach
4. Place holders, facing white side up, on the right corner
5. Scissors by your dominant hand.
6. Memorize where everything is, take a few breaths.
7. Turn off the light.
8. Open the film box.
9. Cut open the bag the film is placed in
10. Take the top holder, feel for the brail (assures its the right side up)
11. Slide the dark slit halfway up from the holder
12. Have the slit facing away from you, place perpendicular to your gorgeous abs to keep in place
13. Take the film with your free hand
14. Feel for the teeth marks, make sure its on the RIGHT Side Corner
15. Slide film in the holder
16. Film is in if you can
hear the smooth siding of film on metal
you can feel the rail marks of the holder
17. Slide the dark slit back into place
18. Lock the bottom corner. You should hear a click and feel a resistance if you tug
19. Place holder in the middle of the film box and stack or unloaded holders, away from you
20. Repeat process
21. After all necessary film is loaded. Lock all holders with the hooks
22. Assure the film box is closed tight.
23. Turn light back on
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