I'm in the dark and all I can trust is the sense of my touch.
This is the beginning. Nothing seems as clear and as vivid until now. Even in the dark I can see what is ahead of me. And it's all good baby. The sense of freedom has never felt so raw as it has the past few months. All my choices are my own and the learning process is in my own responsibility. My own mistakes and myself to blame but all the privileges and rewards are mine. Understand? I am not responsible for anyone else and everyday is what I make of it. Nothing can hold me down, not your lack of motivation, personal issues, financial instability, addiction problems, and lack of creativity. How liberating! I only have myself to blame. I've been through enough mediocracy and heartache that it's about time to truly absorb and take a hold of what is beautiful in this life every second of the day. Be conscious and coherent of at least three or more of your senses. Because they are your very few access of creativity and perception of this world, and they make this world real and so fucking beautiful.
I warn you, to be so coherent becomes overwhelming at times, but your world will be so fulfilling that feeling the realness of it all is like jumping in morning cold ocean water. So refreshing, crisp, and such a rush.
Right now, I'm in the dark room. I can smell the addicting chemicals in the developer as I touch the corners of my 4 x 5 negative, looking for what we were trained to do in the dark. I'm nervous, so nervous that I traced the border of the negative at least 23 times to reassure myself that this is the direction its suppose to fit in the holder. I hear the sliding of my fingers on the thin film and the water trickling behind me ready to rinse the chemicals off this strip whenever I'm ready. My heart races. The first time is always the most genuine and exciting moment. I hear the lock click that reassures me my film is loaded and I'm ready to shoot my very first 4x5 in a very expensive, view camera.
When I'm ready.
I feel around to make sure my box of unused film is close, sealed tight, the holders all properly placed on the left corner and feeling the brail faced up, one more time. I turn the switch back on.
My eyes readjust. My heart still pacing.
Then I focus on the five holders I loaded in the past ten minutes. I finally felt myself exhale as I realize that I did everything correctly except for one holder which I forgot to switch labels which harms absolutely nothing but to remind myself that 1 out of 5 has to be renamed.
This is where history begins. I mean everything that has happened in the past thirteen years of my life has led up to this, then I can finally take charge of my own choices, and make art that will resonate. Good art, high art, none of this amateur crap anymore, I've exhausted that excuse enough.
You may not realize it but I hear everything you say, see everything you do, smell each suffocating scent, and is so coherent to the atmosphere and energy that everyone reflects, that I can see clearly through it all. Damn, its unbelievably amazing.
Steps to take to load film in a 4x5 holder:
1. Make sure surface is clean and dry
2. Make sure the room is lock (to prevent from others to accidentally walk in and pay you for destroyed film)
3. Place film box on left corner, within an arms reach
4. Place holders, facing white side up, on the right corner
5. Scissors by your dominant hand.
6. Memorize where everything is, take a few breaths.
7. Turn off the light.
8. Open the film box.
9. Cut open the bag the film is placed in
10. Take the top holder, feel for the brail (assures its the right side up)
11. Slide the dark slit halfway up from the holder
12. Have the slit facing away from you, place perpendicular to your gorgeous abs to keep in place
13. Take the film with your free hand
14. Feel for the teeth marks, make sure its on the RIGHT Side Corner
15. Slide film in the holder
16. Film is in if you can
hear the smooth siding of film on metal
you can feel the rail marks of the holder
17. Slide the dark slit back into place
18. Lock the bottom corner. You should hear a click and feel a resistance if you tug
19. Place holder in the middle of the film box and stack or unloaded holders, away from you
20. Repeat process
21. After all necessary film is loaded. Lock all holders with the hooks
22. Assure the film box is closed tight.
23. Turn light back on
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